How to write a eulogy

Before you write: questions to ask family

Before you write anything, call two or three people who knew them in different parts of life: a sibling, an old friend, someone they worked with. Ask a few of these questions and write down their exact words. The phrases people use when they talk about someone often end up in the eulogy almost word for word.

The last question matters most. A funeral is not the place for a surprise. If there was a divorce, an estrangement, an illness or a hard stretch the family keeps private, ask how they want it handled before you write a word.

Also check the practical details. Find out how long you have, where you fall in the service and who else is speaking, so two people don’t tell the same story. If there’s a printed program or an obituary, it already covers dates and the list of survivors, which means you don’t have to.

You won’t use everything you hear. You’re looking for one or two stories and a few details that could only belong to this person.

The 4-part structure

Most eulogies that work follow the same shape, and every example on our eulogy examples page uses it. The sample paragraphs below come from one eulogy, written by a nephew named Nate for his aunt, Lorraine Pike, so you can see how the parts connect.

1. Open with who you are

Say your name and how you knew them. Not everyone in the room knows you, and it tells them which part of the person’s life you’re about to describe. Then give one sentence that sets the tone: a nickname, a detail, the thing everyone knew them for. Skip the dictionary definition of “eulogy” and the long thank-you to everyone for coming.

2. Tell one or two stories

People remember a story long after they forget an adjective. “She was honest” is easy to forget. The afternoon she showed you exactly how she’d been fooled by a used-car salesman, so you’d never be fooled yourself, is not. Pick one or two stories that each take about a minute to tell and have a clear beginning and end. A little humor is welcome if they’d have enjoyed it; people are often grateful for a reason to laugh. Leave out inside jokes unless you can explain them in a sentence.

3. Say what they taught you

This is the turn from what they did to what it meant. One lesson is enough. Make it concrete, ideally something you’ll actually do differently because of them. If you find yourself writing a list of five virtues, pick the one your stories already showed and say it plainly.

4. Say goodbye

Close by speaking to them directly, or to the room, in a few short sentences. Bringing back a detail from your story gives the ending something to hold on to. If faith was part of their life, a line of prayer or scripture fits here. If it wasn’t, a plain thank you is enough. If you’d like to end with a reading, funeral poems has public-domain poems you can read in full.

How long a eulogy should be

Three to five minutes is typical. If several people are speaking, two or three minutes each is plenty, and the family will thank you for keeping to it. Most people speak about 130 words a minute at a funeral, slower than everyday conversation because of pauses and emotion.

Once you have a draft, read it aloud with a timer. If it runs long, cut a story or a list of names, and keep the ending. For one- and two-minute versions, see our short eulogy examples.

Delivering it without breaking down

Almost everyone gets emotional, and nobody in the room minds. These steps make it much more likely you’ll get to the end.

• Print it large. Use 16-point type or bigger, double-spaced, with page numbers. Don’t staple the pages, so you can slide each one aside quietly.
• One sentence per line. It’s easier to find your place after you look up. Our examples are laid out this way.
• Mark your pauses. Write “pause” or a slash where you want to breathe, especially before the hardest line. If the pause is written down, you’re more likely to take it.
• Read it aloud three times before the day. The first time, you may cry. By the third, you’ll know where the hard lines are, and they won’t surprise you at the lectern.
• Choose a backup reader. Give them a printed copy and agree on a signal. Knowing someone can take over often means you won’t need them.
• Bring water and slow down. Nerves make people rush. Speak slower than feels natural and look up at one or two friendly faces.
• If your voice breaks, stop. Breathe, sip some water and start again from the beginning of the sentence. The room will wait for you.

Mistakes to avoid

• Reading the obituary aloud. Dates, schools and the list of survivors belong in the program. The eulogy is about who they were. If you still need to write the obituary, see obituary examples.
• Covering their whole life in order. A timeline from birth to retirement gets long and flat. Two stories will say more.
• Inside jokes and stories that embarrass someone. Ask yourself how the person’s spouse, children and pastor would hear it. If you’re unsure, cut it.
• Making it about you. Your stories can include you, but they should show the person, not your own grief or accomplishments.
• Settling scores. If the relationship was complicated, you can say so in a sentence or two, gently, then move on to what was good or what changed. The father’s eulogy on our eulogy examples page shows one way to do it.
• Naming every relative. You will forget someone, and they’ll remember. Say “his grandchildren” or “her whole family” instead.
• Going long. Five minutes feels short when you’re writing and long when you’re standing up there. Time it.
• Winging it. Even confident speakers lose their place at a funeral. Write it out and bring it.

Once you have your notes from family, you can draft the whole thing using the four parts above in one sitting. Read a few eulogy examples first to hear how they sound out loud, then write yours in your own voice.